6 Reasons why you’re not getting past the first date
I get the frustration of putting yourself out there but struggling to get past the first date with anyone. You’re showing up, making an effort, and still—nothing seems to stick. WHY is this happening? Let’s break it down…
1️⃣ It’s just not a match.
Not every first date is meant to turn into something more. There may have been a lack of attraction, chemistry, or connection with one or both people. This is just part of dating! Try to not take it personally. Some people just aren’t meant to click, and that’s okay. Rather than dwelling on a mismatch, view it as an opportunity to refine what you’re looking for in a partner.
2️⃣ Your dating app pics aren’t accurate.
The entire point of dating app photos is to give your date a preview of who’s showing up on the date. If your photos are old, heavily filtered, or do not represent what you look like IRL, you’ll struggle getting past the first date. Yes, we all want to impress in our dating app pics, but make sure they represent what you’re like in real life. Otherwise, your date might feel like they were misled, which can create an instant disconnect.
3️⃣ You have closed-off energy.
If you come into a first date with walls up (I get it, you’ve been hurt in the past), you’re going to give off a closed, guarded energy which makes it hard to connect. Sometimes, this energy isn’t intentional—it might show up as avoiding eye contact, giving short answers, or seeming disengaged. Don’t let past heartbreaks keep you from being open to something new. Approach each date with curiosity rather than skepticism.
4️⃣ Rigid expectations.
When you go on a date with a mental checklist of how you want them to be, it makes it really hard to connect.
Check in with yourself: Are you expecting your date to respond a certain way, act a certain way, or ask specific questions? If so, they’re going to feel like they’re auditioning rather than connecting. Give people the space to show up as they are rather than forcing them into a version that fits your ideal. The best relationships form naturally, not through a script.
5️⃣ You’re forcing connection by oversharing.
It’s great to share general things about your life and your past—but there’s a difference between casually mentioning your difficult divorce and going into every painful detail.
Sometimes, in an attempt to create an instant bond, we overshare on the first date. But deep, emotional connection takes time. If a relationship is meant to grow, there will be plenty of time to share your full story. Allow the connection to unfold naturally instead of rushing it.
6️⃣ Not showing interest in the other person.
A great conversation is a two-way street. If you dominate the conversation without giving the other person a chance to share, they may leave the date feeling like you weren’t interested in them at all.
Showing curiosity about their life, interests, and experiences can go a long way in making them feel valued. Ask open-ended questions and listen actively—it will help you both determine if there’s a real connection.
So, What’s the Fix?
If you recognize yourself in any of these points, don’t panic! Dating is a skill, and like any skill, it can be refined. The key to getting past the first date is showing up authentically while remaining open to the process. Let go of expectations, be present in the moment, and treat each date as an opportunity to learn about yourself and others.
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